for the daughters and families of absent mothers in London
for the daughters and families of absent mothers in London
It’s 33 years this August since my mom died after complications following surgery for her ongoing health condition which she’d had since I was a toddler. I was only told after her death that she was unlikely to have reached retirement age. Retirement age seemed old when I was 16, but as I reach my 50th birthday this year and have been granted the years and moments she missed out on because her life was cut short at 38, I’ve been able to acknowledge and reflect on both her life and mine.
My mom because of her poor health was not a very present mother. She did her best and I had no way of measuring my experience compared to other girls, “it was what it was”! It’s only in recent years have I‘ve been able to do the work and reflect on how I was parented and mothered myself. My dad did the lions share of the work up until I was 14 years old and then when he left the family home, I became my mom’s “unofficial” carer. This impacted on my teenage development i.e. friendships, education and mental health.
It wasn’t a conventional upbringing. As a young woman my focus was on surviving and trying to fit in with other girls. Yet, at the same time feeling very different and alone.
I became a single mom at 23 and strived to do my very best by my son, but it was HARD and I felt very alone. I’ve worked in many different careers and have always taken whatever opportunities came up to survive and look like I was “coping”.
In 2022 after experiencing further losses, I began my journey of healing but reading books relating to trauma and adversity. I’ve since tried different modalities of healing such as counselling, EMDR, guided meditation and hypnotherapy. They have all been powerful but the most important and beneficial has by far been that of finding and belonging to a community of other women who understand. After all this time I no longer feel “othered”.
I’m very passionate about the power of connection and the healing that occurs as a result.
MY BIO
After my son was born I studied for my Higher National certificate in Social Care Practice this led me to work within Homeless hostels for young people, Care Leavers and young homeless mothers.
I worked as a support worker assisting with teaching independent living skills. The hostel for young homeless mothers was also used as a Contact & Assessment Centre for the Local Authority.
Due to a change in my personal circumstances, I spent a period of my time as self-employed, which was the best option for myself and my son at the time.
Once he became a teenager, I started volunteering for a church youth group. This gave me the opportunity once again to work alongside young people, of whom some came from very challenging backgrounds.
It was following a decline in my mental health in 2022 that I began my healing journey and as a result I have found my true purpose. I have undertaken intensive therapies, researched the impacts of adverse childhood experiences, attended an early motherloss retreat and undertaken a 12-week course addressing the long lasting effects of motherloss.
As a result of my lived experience, subsequent growth and healing I was invited along as a speaker at the end of the first early motherloss retreat in the UK to discuss the effects of addressing this experience and the powerful restorative effect it has. I’ve since been asked to co-facilitate the same 12 week trauma informed course I attended the year prior.
My mission now is to support and provide guidance to women and girls so that they understand and honour their life’s experience and can feel part of a community.